Thursday, May 19, 2011
He stands there hovering over her, watching her struggle, watching her try to get enough strenght to fight back. He stands there telling her "I told you so, you did this to yourself". He stands there shaking his head, clenching his fists, and mumbling. He screams "How could you?" Before the first word rolls off her tongue he slaps her in the face and pushes her back on the ground. Screaming for help and crying for pain she attempts to stand and fight back but with a few kicks in the side she is back on the ground where she belongs. Gasping for air and striving for strenght she tries to survive. Inch by inch she gets closer to the sky. Soon enough reaching heaven.
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This is pretty...violent in a good way. It makes me wish there was more to read because there are so many questions left unanswered. Like, "Why does that guy want to kill her?"
ReplyDeleteI agree, I have so many questions and this would be really good if you added more because so far, its great. You had great description. "Before the first word rolls off her tongue he slaps her in the face and pushes her back on the ground." I could picture these actions clearly and this made it more intense. Overall, the description was great and I would like to see more of the story. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with Bella. You could have added a little bit more background to the story; like what is going on. However I thought your word choice was really good. It made the piece interesting instead of being general and boring. For example I instantly liked this quote as soon as I read it "Before the first word rolls off her tongue..." I thought that was a unique way to write it instead of just saying "before she could speak." Good piece overall!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was good, but I think it is all telling because you just say what is going on, there is no real description. For example, you say he does this and he does that, for all of the things that he does to her. There is no amazing imagery for me to get a good picture in my mind. Therefore, it can be improved but it is still good.
ReplyDeleteNice. All you need is to throw in some magic threes and fig language and you have a nice expanded moment. If you space this out you could make it a poem. Whatever works.
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