I wish I could go back to a time
When we laughed with each other
When we told secrets to each other
When we cried with each other
When we smiled at each other
When we had fun with each other
When we could forget everything else when we were with each other
I think this was a very good poem because of the repetition for effect. For example, "When we laughed with each other
ReplyDeleteWhen we told secrets to each other
When we cried with each other
When we smiled at each other
When we had fun with each other
When we could forget everything else when we were with each other." Each line starts with "When we" and this adds good affect to the poem. This reiterates the fact that they were together and the times they had together. Therefore, the repetition for affect makes this poem great.
This poem needs to be improved. This is because it has very boring words and little creativity. For example, "When we smiled at each other." Smiled is a weak word that is harder to picture than something like 'grinned while glaring into each others eyes'. It shouldn't be too hard to use a theasauras to find better words. Therefore, this poem wasn't effective because it probably took little time to write. There are weak nouns and verbs. The repitition is good however.
ReplyDeleteThis was a good poem because of it's repetition. You started off sentences with "When" to make it more effective. For example,"When we laughed with each other
ReplyDeleteWhen we told secrets to each other
When we cried with each other"
Therefore, this was effective because it gave the poem more rhythm and flow.
I like how you used repetition for effect. It made the poem deeper and more emotional. I really like how you made it so that it can fit any sitaution not just love, it could relate to a friend moving away or a death in the family. Great Job !
ReplyDeleteI liked the repitition in this poem and most people can relate. However, I agree with George on how you could have used better word choice and also, writing tricks. "When we told secrets to each other
ReplyDeleteWhen we cried with each other
When we smiled at each other" I think you could have added more showing, not telling. For example instead of "when we cried with each other" you could have said: When our tears came down like a waterfall together or something along those lines. Overall, This poem just needs to have a little more writing tricks and figurative language to make it more descriptive and interesting.
I liked this poem because of the repetition for effect. The repetition made me reflect and think of when we were little, "I wish I could go back to a time." It reminded me of the past because of the repetition used on the word, "when" which is past tense. Therefore, I liked this poem becase the use of repetition for effect.
ReplyDeleteI thought you used good repetition for effect. It made the story more interesting. I think without the reputation this story would be dull.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that made this poem good was then repetition for effect. This poem was very boring because in your lines you did not use any creativity. Without creativity the poem will be very boring and bad. Therefore if you work on this poem and put some creativity onto it, it can be very good.
ReplyDeleteWell, this poem is alright. It potentially has a really good message sent to the reader and a lot of people can connect to it. On the other hand, you should add more figurative language to make it more deep and connectable. When you say, "when we laughed with eachother" you should change that. You can say something like "when we laughed with eachother like there was no tomorrow" or something along that line.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job of using repetition for effect when you said "when we..."
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kristen. I think you had a good idea and general message about life, but it could be improved. You could have used better, more descriptive words, or used to symbolism to make the poem more implicit. However, I think you did use good repetition for effect by say "when we..." I thought that made the poem a little more interesting to read. Overall, I think this was an OK poem, it still has room for improvement.
ReplyDeleteThis poem could use improvement because it does not meet any of the criteria which makes poetry. In class we discussed that a poem is not a poem unless it has a meaningful theme, symbolism, and still has the writing tools which must be included in any piece of writing, such as good word choice. I could only put my finger on the theme topic of this poem which was regret, but I did not really get a theme out of it. It was very straight forward, there was no symbolism, and you had word choice such as laughed, told, smiled, and fun, which can definitely be replaced by something more effective. Therefore, this piece can really use improvement because it was meant to be a poem; however, it lacked a lot of characteristics which are crucial to poetry.
ReplyDeleteI like this poem a lot because of the repition and i can connect to it. For example, you started alost every line with, "when we..." This added repitition for effect which is good. Also i can connect this poem to my own life, and i understand what you are trying to say in it. Therefore, this is a well written piece because of the repition and it is easy to connect to. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the people above that this is a good start, but needs to be improved. It needs to have better word choice because it doesn't create a picture in my head. However, with better imagary, this could be a lot better!
ReplyDeleteThe repetition in this poem really made it because if there wasn't any, it would be worthless. For example, in every line after the first one, you said "When we________ with/at/to each other," and if you didn't have that structure, there wouldn't really be a poem. Therefore, your idea of repetition for effect worked great for this poem!
ReplyDeleteI liked this poem because you used repetition very well. At the end of each line it says with each other. I think you could contradict your self at the end to through the reader off guard and add effect. Also i think you could have used better word choice like instead "we had fun" you could have used something more creative. Therefore, the use of repetition and the okay word choice mad the poem good.
ReplyDeleteThis is a realy good poem. The repetition is good. It reminds me of two friends that are no longer friends. But somebody else could interpret it differently. The two people are symbolic.
ReplyDeleteI like the repetition for effect when you said, "when we..." but not when each line ended with, "each other" because I felt that it was too much. For example, you already had the one repetition, so I don’t think you need another. The first one is good enough but the second one, to me, is kind of annoying. Therefore, I feel like this could be a good poem if it is just edited a little bit.
ReplyDeleteI like how you used repetition for effect becuase it gave the poem rythm. Therfore, the poem was good.
ReplyDeleteI think this was a good poem because of how people can relate to it and because of the repition. I think that by you repeating "When we" it made the poem easier to read. Also, I think a lot of people want to go back to a time when everything was going good. Therefore, I think this poem can be considered effective literature.
ReplyDeleteThis is really good poetry! I like how you used repetition for effect. For example you said "each other" at the end of each line. I also liked how the repetition related back to the title. This poem is also really relatable. Everyone has that person that they miss doing things and spending time with. Therefore because it hooks the reader, it is good literature.
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ReplyDeleteI think that this poem deffiantley needs improvement like some of the people already said. Besides the fact that the poem uses repetition, there's nothing else that catches the readers attention and since the poem is short and has a meaning/topic that's obvious and banal, it's makes this poem less interesting. Therefore, since the poet only uses one writing trick it makes it necessary that this poem needs improvement.
ReplyDeleteTo me, this poem seemed sort of dull because the only thing interesting that caught my attention was the repitition. If this author/poet added another writing trick like figurative language or expanded moments, this would have been a lot better. There is not much I can say about it since I didn't really enjoy reading it, but I was questioning if this was about each other as in a realationship with someone, or is it a friend or family member? I was kind of confused about that. Therefore, this poem was not written clear enough to the audience, and it needed improvement.
ReplyDeleteI feel this poem was alright. i thought this poem was alright because I found it boring and felt like anyone could be able to write a piece similar to this, but i thought the repetetion for effect was a good accesory. i also found it kinda confusing on who the narrator was talking about. therefore i thought this poem was alright because it had some both positive and negative features.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this poem. I loved the repetition in this poem. It made it so much deeper and emotional. An example of this is when you kept on saying, "When we ______." When I read the poem I could feel some pain in it. Therefore, the repetition for effect really made this poem!
ReplyDeleteThis poem was okay. I think that it could be improved a lot. I like the repetition for effect with the when we. I am not really getting a good and nice clear message from this poem. I am not uderstanding it. I agree with ilovedance601, the emotion in this is really the good part about this poem. It is what is the motivational part for the reader. Therefore, if you add more imagery, the reader will get a good message when reading this and then could relate it to the real world.
ReplyDelete