Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Cruise

At 2:00 p.m. Xavier and Ronda got married. They were so happy. “Ronda I am so happy we got married Xavier said.
“Me too” Ronda said. After their wedding they went off to their new house that they would be living in. Then the next day Ronda got a call from her sister, Banda.
“I know you just got married so, congratulations. I am so happy for you.” Banda said.
“Thank you so much I appreciate it.” Ronda said.
“You know how we always have family reunions every five years?” Banda asked.
“Yea.” Ronda said.
“Well this year we are going on a cruise.” Banda said enthusiastically. The Cruise will be on Queen Elizabeth in three days.
“Really this is great.” Ronda said excitedly.
“You can invite your new husband’s brother and sister too.” Banda said with joy.
“Ok I will see you in three days. “Ronda said happily. Ronda went to tell Xavier the good news.
“Xavier my sister called, we are going on a cruise!” Ronda yelled excitedly.
“That’s great!” Xavier said happily.
“You can invite your brother and sister too.” Ronda said.
So Xavier got on the phone with his brother Lenny. He also got on the phone with his sister Emma. They both said they would be happy to go.
Today is the day they are going on the cruise. When they got to the boat, they were ten minutes early. So they waited and looked around at the scenery. Xavier noticed these two men who looked suspicious. He thought they new something. He thought that because they kept starring at their family. Their names are Matt and John. So far their family was getting on the boat, Matt and John was right behind them. Right then you heard a gun shot. Everyone ducked. Who was shot at? It was Matt. He was shot right in the eye. The sniper was seen from the roof top of an apartment building. His name is Victor. He is an assassin. Then he picked up the eyeball of Matt and put it in a Ziploc bag. Then he went to give it to his boss… Then everyone got on the boat and settled into their cabin. After that they went out to dinner in the dinning hall. Ronda went over to tell her husband something.
“I need some air I will be back in five minutes Ronda said.
“Ok” Xavier said.
Then as Ronda went out of the dining hall and stood under the moonlight she saw something. The person was in the shadows. She couldn’t make of the figure. She had noticed that the man had been following her. He followed her was they were getting to their cabins. So she was about to go in when she heard a noise.
“Creek”
She sprinted over to see what it was. It was a man. He grabbed her arm. He pulled her to the railing on the side of the boat.
“I know who you are, you’re……..” she whispered. Then it happened. She was pushed off the edge of the boat. As she was falling here arm hit the side of the boat and she landed in the water. Then……..walked away. Xavier got worried and went to look for her. When he got outside of the dinning hall, he didn’t see her. He ran all around Queen Elizabeth looking for her. He didn’t see her anywhere. Then John came up to him.
“I know where Ronda is.” John whispered.
“Well where is she?” Xavier asked.
“She was right over there when….”
“BANG!” Someone had been shot. It was John. He got shot in his neck. The bullet went right through his neck. He laided there with blood surrounding his neck. Xavier called for a medic. Then Xavier went over to see where John was pointing to. He looked down and there she was. She was laying there in the water dead. Xavier went back inside and called 911. One hour later a police boat showed up. They got off the police boat and walked onto to the cruise boat. There were two men named Von and Lanik. The4re was someone else in the background.
“What happened? I was standing over there and I heard a scream and a gun shot.” Vick said.
“Oh my wife was just killed. “Xavier said crying.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” Vick said.
“Thank you.” Xavier whispered sadly. Xavier walked over to Von. “Can you pull here out of the water?” Xavier asked.
“Sure” Von said loudly. “We will have her out in twenty minutes.” Von said.
“Ok, thank you.” Xavier said. So the next few days they worked on the case. The searched the area where she had died. They examined here body. They found something. She had been cut on the arm before she died. Then this was man came up to Xavier and said I know who killed your wife.
“Who?” Xavier asked anxiously.
“Ping!” Everything went black. There was smoke everywhere. You couldn’t see a thing. The man was gone. The man was in this room with a bunch of men surrounding him.
“I am willing to pay $2,000,000.” The man said.
“Ok, I won’t tell anyone you killed Ronda.” Andy said. The next day when Xavier was walking around the boat and he bumped into Andy.
“Ok, who killed my wife?” Xavier asked rudely.
“I think his name is Steve.” Andy said.
“Ok, I will look him up and see if there are any Steve’s on the boat.” Xavier said.
Xavier went over to the computer room. He searched to see if Steve was on this boat. He had one result. Steve Jones. He is the cruise director. So Xavier went over to his office.
“Why did you kill my wife?” Xavier said frusturatedly.
“Excuse me, who am you and what.” Steve said.
“I am Xavier, Ronda’s husband. I have resources that say you pushed my wife off the boat and killed her. “Xavier announced.
“I didn’t, why would I?” Steve blurted out.
“I don’t know.” Xavier said.
“Ok, I believe you didn’t, but why would Andy say you did.” Xavier questioned. Xavier went to look for Andy. Then he heard some men talking in the lower areas of the boat.
They were talking about what they should do to Matt. Xavier went down there to check it out. Matt was tied up in a chair. His one eye was missing, because he had been shot. There it was. His eye was on the table next to the chair.
“How much do you know?” A man asked. He was wearing a black jacket, white pants and a hat.
“I don`t know what you`re talking about.” Matt said.
“I`m talking about the death of Ronda.” The man said.
“I won`t tell you a thing.” Matt said firmly.
“Ok fine, be prepared to be tortured.” The man said. He reached for the eyeball. He got it. Then opened the bag carefully and took it out. After that he was going to make Matt eat it.
“Hope you’re hungry.” The man said with a grin the size of the bottom of the boat. He was about to drop it in his mouth when….
“Ok, I know you killed Ronda.” Matt said.
“Kill him.” The man said.
“BANG!” The shotgun went off and shot Matt right in the neck. Xavier ran over to talk to Von.
“Go look over where the crime scene was one time.” Xavier said.
“Ok.” Von said. He went over and scooped it out. “I don’t see anything.” Von said.
“Well I do.” Xavier reached down and picked up a piece of the jacket the man was wearing, it was black. He told Von everything. They both went to Vick’s office.
“Call down Felix the boat driver.”
“Ok, he is on is way.” Vick said. When Felix reached the office he looked suspicious.
“What is the problem?” Felix asked. Xavier went over and matched the piece of material to Felix’s coat. It was an exact match.
“We found this where the crime scene happened. I heard Felix say he killed a.” Xavier said.
“Von take this man to jail for the rest of his like.” Xavier said.
“Good riddance.” Xavier yelled.

8 comments:

  1. I thought this story wasn't that good because it felt like I was reading a list of events. When I read a story i like it to gradually move and to show me visually but when I read this story it seemed to me that it was to much of a list. Therefore this story good have been better if it wasn't written in a list format.

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  2. I think this story was not very good because it was repetetive. In the beginning the story started with "At 2:00 p.m. Xavier and Ronda got married. They were so happy. “Ronda I am so happy we got married" Xavier said."I felt like it was restating what had already been said like when "They were so happy" and the Xavier said, "Ronda I am so happy we got married. Therefore, it was repetetive because things were restated right after being said.

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  3. I think this story has possibilities, but that as of right now, it isn't that great because you told what happened instead of showed. For example, you didn't need to say that Xavier and Ronda got married. You only needed Xavier to day he was happy that they got married. You told the reader their characters' emotions and they would seem more real if you were more subtle. Showing and not telling is an important aspect to all forms of writing, and it will make your piece more interesting and even more fluent. Showing and not telling was my last writing goal and you can google it for many stategies.

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  4. I think this story needs improvement because it has grammar errors, does not flow, and has no description; it is basically a list of events in some parts. For example in the story it said:"Then he picked up the eyeball of Matt and put it in a Ziploc bag. Then he went to give it to his boss… Then everyone got on the boat and settled into their cabin." This is a list of events, not a story. It also repeats "Then" alot. Therefore, this piece needs to be improved. Next time, work on proofreading and using better word choice. Try not to repeat words a lot and try to be more descriptive.

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  5. I thought the story was good, but I felt as if it was just listing what was happening. Also it has some grammar issues that should be fixed. I think the ideas are good, but they just need to be tweeked.

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  6. yeahh. This was a really good example of telling and not showing. I feel like I was reading a bulleted list of events. Also in the first paragraph someone exclaimed "I'm so happy" like every five words. That was also annoying. Please make this flow better and add description.

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  7. this is a good story with alot of action. It is suspenseful and a very good mystery. It was suprising when all of the people started to get shot. However the story does not flow well and is confusing at some parts.

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  8. I didn't think this was a very good story. It was ver confusing at some points and there were some characters that just suddenly appeared in the story. Like all of a sudden there was an Andy. And then randomly there was a Felix. I also agree with Lily and Jeff that the story was very repetitive and list-like.

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