New Girl
She’s all alone. People stare at her as she passes by. I can hear them all laughing at her because of her clothes and her appearance. She’s the new girl and it’s her first day. I remember when I was new to this town. It was fourth grade and I didn’t know anyone, while everyone else has been together for a longer time, all already had friends. I felt lonely, and thought that no one liked me. As the day dragged on, recess came. I was overjoyed by a few girls coming up to me and start talking to me. As the week went on, they kept talking to me everyday. Finally, I thought, I have made some friends. Suddenly I am snapped back to reality as the taunting gets louder and louder. It looks as if she’s on the verge of tears, and I feel sympathetic towards her. Remembering how alone and awkward I felt, I walked up to her and introduced myself.
this was a very touching and emotional piece of writing that i think everyone can relate to because it depicts a situation athat most kids can relate to which is being the new kid for example, I for one was nervous and overwhelmed when i first joined my baseball team that was full of kids who had known each other for quite a while eventually i became good friends with all of them but it was quite nerve racking. therefore many kids have been the "new kid" at one point in there lives like i was so we can all relate to this.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very good but you could have made it better by adding repetition. A place were you could have used this method is in the first 3 sentences were it states, "She’s all alone. People stare at her as she passes by. I can hear them all laughing at her because of her clothes and her appearance." You could have continuously used the beginning "She's" and say something like, "She's all alone. She's always being stared at. She's always getting made fun of." Therefore, adding emphasis to really get your point across by using repetition would be better for your writing piece.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was really good because it was something I could relate to a lot. This is because I was new at school last year, and I know what it feels like to not know anyone around you. You feel so awkward. Therefore, I could understand it better and it made it more interesting for me personally to read.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is very enjoyable because it has something for nearly everyone to relate to. I never have personally experienced being the new kid at school but have seen many others. They feet very awkward and could not have a conversation with someone else unless the other person started it. Throughout schooling it is very common for you or someone in your grade to move into a your town. Most of that portion of kids notice the new kid and see what they are going through and experience. Therefore nearly everyone can make the relation between the passage and their own personal experience.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above that this piece is easily relatable because everyone has had a time in their life when they feel awkward or alone in a group of people. Something you can do to make it more interesting would be to include specific sensory detail. You can add it in when you said "I felt lonely and felt like no one liked me" Instead you can say something like "I was envious of the laughter of everyone with their best friends" Just a suggestion. But overall very good i liked it.
ReplyDeleteI thought that this piece was good because I can relate to this a lot. This year in the 8th grade, when I first came here, I did not know what it was going to be like going to this school. After a few days, a lot of people started to like me and now I "fit in" with this school. So although you wrote this piece, I can relate to this too.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this piece because a lot of people can relate to it. Although some people have not been a new kid in school before I'm sure at one point or another everyone has felt like an outcast or that they didn't belong. The only thing that I would recommend is to add more detail into your writing to make it sound more interesting. Overall I really like it!
ReplyDeleteI liked this poem as well. I liked it because many people can relate. But I think you could have had more showing not telling and writing tricks. "She’s the new girl and it’s her first day." This is boring because you are just telling someone. You could have made it a little more interesting by putting it in quotes and making another classmate say it. Like: "Hey, its that new girl and it must be her first day." Many people whisper and say these types of things when a new person arrives so therefore, instead of telling, you could do it in a more interesting way. However, It was a great piece besides that.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good piece because it is very relatable. Not everyone has been the "new kid" but eveyone has at least seen one. Everyone knows what they have to go through like being nervous. Therefore, this piece is relatable to everyone who reads it.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good piece because a lot of people could relate to it. It is always hard when you are new and dont have many friends. In the piece it shows how the character realizes that that new girl was her a ew years ago and how teasing is mean.
ReplyDeleteI think this was a good story because of the connection made inside the story. "I remember when I was new to this town." This connection was made from the main character to the girl who was new to the school. It was a very good connection that made the story come alive. Therefore, the connection in the text made this a good story.
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