Friday, February 25, 2011
Spring is coming, or not
I take a walk down the long windy road and look at the nature that surrounds me. I look to the left of me to see a bird, sitting on a branch, waiting to fly. The bird starts to sing a song as it flies to the sun. The sun is shining so bright in the sky, there's not a cloud in sight. I look down at the green grass, huddling together, as the dance in the wind. In the grass, the flowers stand tall and confident, as they start to dance with grass. They moved so swiftly as they stop. I feel a cold breeze hug me. I shiver as I look up at the sky. The sun was hiding behind gray clouds. Sadness rushes over me as I watch white flakes fall from the sky. The grass begins to slowly be covered by a white sheet. The flowers struggle to stand, they all begin to droop. I run home quickly hoping not to get frost bite. I open and close my door. I let out a sigh of relief to be back in the warmth. I look out the window to see that the beautiful day is gone. Maybe the ground hog was wrong this time because I don't think that spring is coming soon .
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This is really good and very descriptive. The word choice for the title is a little confusing but you used good magic threes and figurative language. Overall, this was a really good piece.
ReplyDeleteI thought this piece was good, however needs a little improvement. You did some telling, not showing. "The bird starts to sing a song as it flies to the sun." I think you could have included onomatopoeia to make this better and more descriptive. Another thing that could be improved is the choppy sentences. This piece did not flow that well. “I run home quickly hoping not to get frost bite. I open and close my door. I let out a sigh of relief to be back in the warmth. I look out the window to see that the beautiful day is gone." This is mostly repeating "I" and does not have a great flow to it, it just repeats in a list. If you just work on giving this piece flow and add a little more showing not telling, then this could be a great piece.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is okay, but it needs to stay in the same verb tense. For example, "In the grass, the flowers stand tall and confident, as they start to dance with grass. They moved so swiftly as they stop." That mixes verb tense and makes it confusing. Also, the second sentence I mentioned that you wrote doesn't really make sense. The story will be much stronger with those couple of adjustments.
ReplyDeleteI can connect to this. When it was 60 degrees out side I thought spring was right around the corner. But then the next day it was 30 degrees. And then a week later it started to snow. As you can see I can relate to this.
ReplyDeleteI really like this mostly because of the great detail that you used throughout the whole entire piece. I feel that a lot of people living in new england could also relate to this because in your story the day was very warm and spring like and then the day suddenly turned back into winter considering that in Monroe we've had days that were really nice and warm but then the next day it suddenly snowed 3 or 4 inches! Over all great story, I really liked it!
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good writing piece because you used figurative language such as personification. You said, "I feel a cold breeze hug me." Also you said, "I look down at the green grass, huddling together, as the dance in the wind." Both of these examples make the writing piece more detailed and vivid. Therefore, since you used two examples of personification to make the piece more vivid, it was good.
ReplyDeleteI think this piece had potential to be great, but some of the writing was too cliché and repetitive, so it took away from the writing. In the story it says, “I look down at the green grass, huddling together, as the dance in the wind. In the grass, the flowers stand tall and confident, as they start to dance with grass. They moved so swiftly as they stop." I see some figurative language, but the constant repetition of “grass,” weakens it. Therefore, the idea could have been great, if the word choice and figurative language were just as good.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very affective peice if writting because it has a lot of writing tricks such as magic threes and personifacation. Fore example I look down at the green grass, huddling together, as the dance in the wind. Therefore this peice of writing was great.
ReplyDeleteI Thought this piece was good. I thought it was good because it seemed very descriptive. An example of this is when it talks about the grass "huddling together" and when it talks about the birds singing too. Therefore this writing piece is good because it is very descriptive.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very well written. This is because it has good comparisions between spring and fall. It clearly starts with the spring and goes into the "sadness" of winter. I can tell your tone, and that you don't like winter. Therefore, this piece has qualities of good writing, and it makes it good. This piece was one of the best I have read on this blog.
ReplyDeleteThis piece of writing was very effective because a lot of people can relate to it. We all have been stuck inside our house because of the snow and the bitter cold. I'm sure we all want to go enjoy the fresh air, but it is very difficult because of all the snow on the ground. This story reminds me of how things in the srping should be like which is not what is happening right now. Also the real world connection with the ground hog was ver effective because it shows that we are all hopeful for spring soon and (I think) the groundhog simplizes all of us who want spring to finally come around.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very effective. It was effective because used descriptive language, like when you said the flowers stand tall and confident, this gives me a better visual of what is going on therefore the details made this poem easy to visualize.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was good because you used a lot of personification but you could definitely use a lot more details. I was able to picture some things in my head but I would have been able to picture everything a lot better if there were clear details. Overall the piece was good because I know that everyone can relate to this story. We are all very excited for spring but our high expectations are destroyed when the snow starts falling...again.
ReplyDeleteI like this piece because it is very descriptive. In it you said, "The sun is shining so bright in the sky, there's not a cloud in sight. I look down at the green grass, huddling together, as the dance in the wind." This is very descriptive. I can picture everything you wrote in my head. Therefor I liked it because of the sensory details.
ReplyDeleteI think this was a really good piece because it was very descriptive. "In the grass, the flowers stand tall and confident, as they start to dance with grass." This was one of many very descriptive sentences. You used great transitions to make it flow and combine the different descriptive sentences. Therefore, the description in this piece mad it very good.
ReplyDeleteI thought this piece was very discriptive, but i disagree with the example mat gave because that is an example of how much repeating there was. For example if you take the sentence matt said was discriptive, it isn't because there is too much repeating. Therefore just make sure that you don't repeat as much.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really strong piece because of its use of personification. "I feel a cold breeze hug me" and "The bird starts to sing a song as it flies to the sun," are good examples of personification. they really created a picture in my mind.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very good piece of writing and I think that spring is never going to come from the looks of it. Just when I thought winter was gone and spring was here snow started to fall.
ReplyDeleteI liked this piece a lot because of your sense of imagery. You made me feel like that was me in the story and i actually saw when the bird sang or when the grass got covered in a white sheet. It was a really good sense of imagery but that is only one step closer to becoming a great writer.
ReplyDelete