At the top of the mountain,
staring at skiers below.
I start pushing off my poles,
and down the slope I am flying.
Zig- zagging on the fresh powder,
being careful not to fall.
The sharp, whistling wind is punishing my face,
and my finger tips are becoming numb as I am gripping my ski poles.
My thighs start burning at first, like the hot embers from last night's fire,
but quickly building to a raging inferno.
I bounce between the moguls,
with my knees bent.
It seems ad though they are growing in front of me.
Half way down the run now,
the mountain seems like it is going to win.
I am fighting to hold back my fear,
and I am trying not to panic.
I start singing a song to help calm my nerves,
not caring who hears.
I am catching up with my friends,
passing them and spraying them with snow as I roar by.
A few more feet to go,
the slope is flattening out.
I am done.
I am skiing back into the line for the lift,
excited to go again.
staring at skiers below.
I start pushing off my poles,
and down the slope I am flying.
Zig- zagging on the fresh powder,
being careful not to fall.
The sharp, whistling wind is punishing my face,
and my finger tips are becoming numb as I am gripping my ski poles.
My thighs start burning at first, like the hot embers from last night's fire,
but quickly building to a raging inferno.
I bounce between the moguls,
with my knees bent.
It seems ad though they are growing in front of me.
Half way down the run now,
the mountain seems like it is going to win.
I am fighting to hold back my fear,
and I am trying not to panic.
I start singing a song to help calm my nerves,
not caring who hears.
I am catching up with my friends,
passing them and spraying them with snow as I roar by.
A few more feet to go,
the slope is flattening out.
I am done.
I am skiing back into the line for the lift,
excited to go again.
I liked this little poem. Especially this line, "My thighs start burning at first, like the hot embers from last night's fire,
ReplyDeletebut quickly building to a raging inferno."
One thing that I wished was different was that there was a problem or something. When you said, "Half way down the run now,
the mountain seems like it is going to win.
I am fighting to hold back my fear,
and I am trying not to panic." I thought maybe you would get into an accident or fall, and that would have made it more interesting. But I guess it was good because that hooked me to keep reading.
Very nice poem, I liked how you explained the experience of skiing down a difficult slope, and then getting back in line to do it again. Good job.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first got to the part where you thought the mountain was going to win I thought you were in some sort of race and rather than losing to the other competitors you would fall and lose to the mountain. It definitely has some sensory smiley trick specific detail.
ReplyDeleteCaroline, Good job!! You did several things very well including, figurative language and "show don't tell." You expressed how you felt withought saying so. for example, instead of saying, my legs hurt, you said they burn and compared it to embers. Very good. I understand what Nicole is saying but not sure I agree. It might make the piece more interesting, but your piece is very good and falling might put a downer on the story. Up to you !!!
ReplyDeleteNice poem! I liked the figurative language in it and that you showed that your legs hurt instead of just saying they hurt, like Kristen said. While the poem is really interesting to read, it doesn't really confuse me, like poetry is supposed to. But good job overall!
ReplyDeleteGood poem, as people mentioned you used good figurative language,and you also had sensory detail. However, I think that you could have shown some of the events instead of telling so it wouldn't be so obvious like Jenny said.
ReplyDeleteThis was a good poem! I liked how you explained in depth your experience on a hard slope! It made it interesting to hear your own personal thoughts. I especially liked the lines with the figurative language, including the line that said, "My thighs start burning at first, like the hot embers from last night's fire,
ReplyDeletebut quickly building to a raging inferno." It made it seem like it was me going down that trail. Good Job!