What exactly are you trying to pull?
Is that ugly scowl-that terrible scream-
and intimidation routine?
My good sir;
Pardon me for saying so,
but I must,
it's really quite sad
you don't scare me
and i can't help but spit
in your ignorant eye
My good sir;
You're nothing more
than an animal.
Cornered.
I can see you shaking,
tail tucked.
unpredictably predictable
Laughably so.
My good sir;
The truth is-
I don't need you anymore
I wrote this last year, and since it's o.k I was thinking of seeing if I could make it any better. Suggestions?
ReplyDeleteWell I think its really good for having written it last year! And I defiantly like how this poem has a different ring to it, almost like a nursery rhyme (even though it doesnt rhyme..). As far as improving it, theres lots you can do, but it might change the tone of the poem. Like you could add more figurative language, but that could make the poem not sound as 'light' anymore. I dont know, its up to you!
ReplyDeleteI remember this one! It was one of your bests but I think you need to put in more figurative language but at the same time keep your tone.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a very good poem. Along with what Maya said, I think it would be better if you added some figurative language, but still keep your same tone. Overall, nice job.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really good poem. I really liked how it flowed well and had a nice rythm. This is a good example of excelent poetry that doesnt rhyme. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI also thought that this was a great piece. I really liked the repetition. As far as suggestions go for improvement, I think that you should just add a little figurative language, if any like everyone else said. This was a really good piece so I don’t think you should change much.
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job in creating flow with the repition, and it makes this piece fun to read. Its also good that you left it up to us to determine who the good sir is. You could add a good sensory detail to make it better,though.
ReplyDeleteI like this poem as well indeed. I especially like this repitition on My Good sir. that does make us try to figure out who this is and how he is important to the poem. Nice poem.
ReplyDeleteI love this poem, and going along with what sousa said, repeating good sir really does create a flow towards the poem. i also liked how you related the good sir to an animal with his "tail tucked". and i love your tone to the poem. it's a very careless tone and it's effective because so many people can relate to feeling careless. nice job on this poem!
ReplyDeleteI like this poem is great but could still have work done to it because nothing is perfect. I liked the repitition but I didn't really see what it was doing. You could also add more figurative language and writing tricks. This is really the only thing that I think could use help but I still think it's great.
ReplyDelete