Friday, January 21, 2011
Stuck
The bright yellow sun was shining in Paul’s eyes. It was about 97 degrees out and Paul had his blue swim suit and his favorite sun glasses. He was sitting on a little boat on his way to the beach with his family. He was so excited because it was the best day of summer so far and he got to spend it on the beach, until his boat got stuck under a bridge! They were under a very low bridge and above where train tracks. Everyone on the boat had to lie down so they would not hit their head on the bridge. It was a night mare for Paul and his family. Paul’s dad had to shut off the boat and everyone had to grab the bridge and guide the boat underneath the bridge. After all the panicking the boat and Paul’s family were safe and got to spend the bright sunny day on the beach right off of the ocean.
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This piece was good, but it could definitely use some improvement. First of all, you had very little description, and instead of showing me what was happening, you just told me. In your story you wrote, "They were under a very low bridge and above where train tracks." There is no description in this sentence! Another way you can improve the story is by building on the story more before the most exciting scene when they get stuck under the bridge. You wrote, "He was so excited because it was the best day of summer so far and he got to spend it on the beach, until his boat got stuck under a bridge!" Instead of building up to the climax, you went right into the most important scene! I feel that an exploded moment would be perfect in that part of the story.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was okay because it started out strong, but then it got boring quickly. You needed to be more descriptive and show instead told more throughout the story. When you were talking about the boat being stuck, you just said it was stuck. To improve that part, you could have described it being stuck and let the reader assume it was stuck. By showing and not telling, the story will be much better. Also, try using better word choice to mix things up.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think this piece was okay. It could have used a lot of improvement. The story started out with an okay lead. Some things you could have added are figurative language. A little forshadowing. Character development. This will definitely mae your stroy more EFFECTIVE. I almost wanted to stop reading it because it was just too plain for me. Add some razzle dazzle in it and will keep people enjoying and reading your story.
ReplyDeleteI think this piece was good, but it can use some improvement. For example, "He was sitting on a little boat on his way to the beach with his family." I thought you could have included some details about the little boat or about the ride to the beach. Therefore, this story could have little details added to it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with jenny that this piece started strong and showed some promise but then got a little boring. It got a little less discriptive. To improve this you could have used a lot more figurative language to help the reader vision it more by adding more ffig language you could have kept me a lot more interested in the text.
ReplyDeleteI think this piece could be better. Your lead was good, but as the sotry went on it got dull. I think you can work on adding a lot more details,and dialogue between the characters. I felt like you just told the reader what happened instead of showing them with details. By showing the reader what happened, it hooks the reader, makes them want to read on, and makes your story a lot better.
ReplyDeleteThis interested me a lot in the begginig because you started off with a good lead but it started to get boring because you had no dicription and it was telling the reader what happened not showing them.
ReplyDeleteThe story was ok. The lead could have been better. Leads were my writing goal and I improved on them a lot. A lead in a story is very important. it can cause a person to read your story or not read it.
ReplyDeleteThis story could have been better, I had trouble being interested because the lead wasn't that interesting. I have trouble reading on when I'm not interested from the beginning but other than that, it was really good.
ReplyDelete