Darkness, seeping throughout the alley. I should not be here. It's too dangerous my friend said, but here i am. I'm scared out of my mind. "Bang!" A gunshot. I crawl backward to the corner. I hide behind the trash can. Not able to breathe. Not daring to breathe. Not wanting to make any sound at all. Just do it, i say to myself. Be quick and silent like a ninja. Creep through the shadows and don't look back. Soon you will escape and be back home, safe. I slowly peek my head out and all i see is a blinding light. I can't see. It's over, i say to myself. Then i hear a voice. "It's okay kid, come out" It's the police, i'm safe.
3 hours earlier
"You can't do it, don't even try." Joe says. "Yes i can, and i will." I say. "We'll see, come back to school in trouble and we'll see." I walk away and then think to myself, what have i got myself into. I can't run away and hide in an alley for a whole night. I could get in a lot of trouble. But he dared me, i remind myself. so i have to do it.
2 hours later
I walk towards the window and slowly open it. This is just a stupid dare i say to myself. I'll be back home again with no worries. I sneak down the street and then i'm off, sprinting down the street. I'm back in the alley in no time. Now i just have to wait. An hour, maybe two and then i'm home. That's it. Easy. So i sit back and wait and suddenly i'm scared. What if a robber comes and beats me up. Or someone with a gun. This is dangerous. And then the darkness comes.
Darkness, seeping throughout the alley. I should not be here. It's too dangerous my friend said, but here i am. I'm scared out of my mind. "Bang!" A gunshot. I crawl back to the corner. I hide behind the trash can. Not able to breathe. Not daring to breathe. Not wanting to make any sound at all. Just do it, i say to myself. Be quick and silent like a ninja. Creep through the shadows and don't look back. Soon you will escape and be back home, safe. I slowly peek my head out and all i see is a blinding light. I can't see. It's over, i say to myself. Then i hear a voice. "It's okay kid, come out." It's the police, i'm safe.
I thought this piece was great because there was a lot of repetition. For example, your first and last paragraph are the same which adds effect to the piece also inside those to paragraphs It states,"Not able to breathe. Not daring to breathe. Not wanting to make any sound at all." This is a great way to how how scared and tense the character is. Therefore, repetition showed a lot of emotion for he character which made it great.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good story because it had good writing tricks. It had repitition such as "'It's okay kid, come out.' It's the police, i'm safe" and you had a good similie "Be quick and silent like a ninja." Therefore the writing tricks you used made this story seem profesional.
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