More Than a Haunted House. Who’s next?” squealed the mysterious, witch-like woman who appeared behind us. “uh, I think we are” I barely mustered. “Welcome to the Ghoulish ghost house,” She belted, followed by a dark, esoteric laugh. I gulped what I have gotten myself into? Everybody was eager to get in, and begging to be first, but to show how tough I am, I volunteered to go first. The first obscenity my eye catches is the strobe light dancing on the blood stains on the front door, I’m screwed now, I thought. Screams cry from somewhere that I can’t comprehend, when two baby girls come into the room, “get out,” they begged, “get OUT.” This is scarier than paranormal activitie. I almost jumped out of my skin, but to show my cool, I walked slowly through the room, popped down the stairs, and got ready to protect myself as necessary in the basement. A million strobe lights flashed, so many that the room wasn’t flashing, it was just constant light, and more fake blood lined the wall, while rusty pipes dangled from the ceiling. Screams, more screams, then mutual silence, then the door creeks open, in the doorway stands a 6’2” man with a black jumpsuit and a snow white face, he flips a knife in his hand so expertly, he looks like a ninja. But before we could even yell, “run” he drops to his knees, spitting blood all over himself and the cement floor. We all tip-toe to the door on the left, and up into the back yard, dogs bark, we all look around, but find nothing, barking again, searching again, but to no avail, it comes again, now were all either scared or annoyed when a giant pit bull, comes running at us, teeth gnawing, when the leash catches with the clinging of chains. This is almost over, I think, more teenage men come to scare us, but I’m already gone, we made it through, but everyone is laughing awkwardly at me, like that have a secret, its when we get in the car that I discover a wet spot on the crotch of my jeans, down part of my legs. At least I’m alive, though.
I agree with Tyler that it was funny at the end. Something that could make this story flow a little bit better is using figurative language. You only used it once or twice. By saying the man had a snow white face. Overall it was very good!
The ending seems quite realistic. I thought you were going to get mauled or something by the dog but then it's chain ended. It needs an improved balance between figurative language and pace. Overall it's good. I enjoyed the whole knife ninja 6' 2" thing.
I thought that was funny! I agree with Kristen though, I think you could have used more figurative language so we can see more of what your describing. It would have really helped your story. It was still a good story though!
I really liked this story and I think you did a great job at showing how scarred he was. You had one or two similes and they were good but you could have put more. I thought as a whole it was a really good story and it had very exciting an interesting moments.
That was a good story because you used a lot of descriptive words and then you switched tones form scared to funny at the end. It was entertaining and it made me laugh. Nice job.
I agree with George. I liked the switch of tone at the end. I liked the ending too. You probably could have used more figurative language, like everyone pretty much said. But, it was pretty good overall.
I liked this story a lot, especially the ending. The ending was very funny and creative. As George said, it added a change of tone, from scary to funny. Also the story was descriptive and filled with detail. For example," Screams, more screams, then mutual silence, then the door creeks open, in the doorway stands a 6’2” man with a black jumpsuit and a snow white face, he flips a knife in his hand so expertly, he looks like a ninja." This is a passage from the story that describes detail. Good story.
More Than a Haunted House.
ReplyDeleteWho’s next?” squealed the mysterious, witch-like woman who appeared behind us. “uh, I think we are” I barely mustered. “Welcome to the Ghoulish ghost house,” She belted, followed by a dark, esoteric laugh. I gulped what I have gotten myself into? Everybody was eager to get in, and begging to be first, but to show how tough I am, I volunteered to go first. The first obscenity my eye catches is the strobe light dancing on the blood stains on the front door, I’m screwed now, I thought. Screams cry from somewhere that I can’t comprehend, when two baby girls come into the room, “get out,” they begged, “get OUT.” This is scarier than paranormal activitie. I almost jumped out of my skin, but to show my cool, I walked slowly through the room, popped down the stairs, and got ready to protect myself as necessary in the basement. A million strobe lights flashed, so many that the room wasn’t flashing, it was just constant light, and more fake blood lined the wall, while rusty pipes dangled from the ceiling. Screams, more screams, then mutual silence, then the door creeks open, in the doorway stands a 6’2” man with a black jumpsuit and a snow white face, he flips a knife in his hand so expertly, he looks like a ninja. But before we could even yell, “run” he drops to his knees, spitting blood all over himself and the cement floor. We all tip-toe to the door on the left, and up into the back yard, dogs bark, we all look around, but find nothing, barking again, searching again, but to no avail, it comes again, now were all either scared or annoyed when a giant pit bull, comes running at us, teeth gnawing, when the leash catches with the clinging of chains. This is almost over, I think, more teenage men come to scare us, but I’m already gone, we made it through, but everyone is laughing awkwardly at me, like that have a secret, its when we get in the car that I discover a wet spot on the crotch of my jeans, down part of my legs. At least I’m alive, though.
Funny at the end. good story
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tyler that it was funny at the end. Something that could make this story flow a little bit better is using figurative language. You only used it once or twice. By saying the man had a snow white face. Overall it was very good!
ReplyDeleteI like the creepiness of it. Nice ending too.
ReplyDeleteThe ending seems quite realistic. I thought you were going to get mauled or something by the dog but then it's chain ended. It needs an improved balance between figurative language and pace. Overall it's good. I enjoyed the whole knife ninja 6' 2" thing.
ReplyDeleteI thought that was funny! I agree with Kristen though, I think you could have used more figurative language so we can see more of what your describing. It would have really helped your story. It was still a good story though!
ReplyDeleteThe story was very entertaining. I laughed at the end. you did a great job.
ReplyDeleteGreat story you used some figurative language that made it descriptive and I laughed at the end nice job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story and I think you did a great job at showing how scarred he was. You had one or two similes and they were good but you could have put more. I thought as a whole it was a really good story and it had very exciting an interesting moments.
ReplyDeleteThat was a good story because you used a lot of descriptive words and then you switched tones form scared to funny at the end. It was entertaining and it made me laugh. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI agree with George. I liked the switch of tone at the end. I liked the ending too. You probably could have used more figurative language, like everyone pretty much said. But, it was pretty good overall.
ReplyDeleteI liked this story a lot, especially the ending. The ending was very funny and creative. As George said, it added a change of tone, from scary to funny. Also the story was descriptive and filled with detail. For example," Screams, more screams, then mutual silence, then the door creeks open, in the doorway stands a 6’2” man with a black jumpsuit and a snow white face, he flips a knife in his hand so expertly, he looks like a ninja." This is a passage from the story that describes detail. Good story.
ReplyDeleteyou did a great job, it was a well written story and it was very interesting. i also liked th ending a lot, it was very funny.
ReplyDeleteI think this was a great piece, especially because of the change in tone and the on-edge creepiness of the story.
ReplyDeleteThat was a really god writing piece and i really like how you changed the tone. Also i thought the end of the story was pretty funny. Great work.
ReplyDeleteI also like the ending and i think that you used descriptive language very well.
ReplyDeleteGood Story i like the ending it was funny an you used figuretive language pretty well.
ReplyDelete