as my head goes under i feel the cold water on my face
i push off the mushy bottom until it looks like i am looking at the sun through a window
only its not clear
and i can see shades of red yellow and orange
they all mix together into a blurry ball
i feel like i could stay in this moment of time forever
and never come up
but when i can stay under the water no longer
i come up gasping for breathe
I really liked this poem. You used great imagery. I can really picture you going down to the bottom of the ocean looking up and seeing the color of the sun.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is a great example of the use of imagery. With a the detail that is given, not only about your surroundings but also what you are feeling, really helps me to picture everything.You also use strong verbs such as gasping which help me to understand what you are feeling even more.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is very descriptive. It could easily have said, " i dive into the water and then look up to see the sun" but it described how you felt and what everything looked like. The poem also didnt actually say you saw the sun, it described it. For example it said: "i can see shades of red yellow and orange
ReplyDeletethey all mix together into a blurry ball"
This was a great example of showing and not telling.
I agree with caroline! You did a great job describing what it looked like from under the water. When I read this it reminded me of summer and the hott weather. Also the way it feels when you jump in the water and you get that cool, refreshing feel. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this poem. I think its a great example of imagery and show not tell. You could of said,i was in water and i saw the sun. You made it really descriptive and short which makes people wanna read it. It reminds me of vacation and summer.
ReplyDeletei really liked this poem. it was very descriptive and it was like i could see you in the ocean looking at the sun. you also did a great job showing and not telling.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is really good! I felt like i could see what you were describing, because you had a lot of imagery. I think you also used an expanded moment a little on how the ocean feels. You should try using some figurative language, such as similes or metaphors. Good job. (:
ReplyDeleteI loved how you used so many details in this poem! I could almost picture exactly what was happening in the poem and i could imagine how it felt and what it was like. Great job!
ReplyDelete