Bang! Boom! "This is a tornado warning!"
I wish I heard all of that, but the truth is; I didn't . . .
Furniture is being thrown, sheds are tipping over and full trees are collapsing. Where am I? Again, I would like to say that I am safe in my basement with no chance of danger . . . but I am actually laying down in my room, music blasting in my ears, falling asleep. I am completely unaware that my town is about to get totally destroyed because the biggest storm in U.S. history is about to roll in; TODAY! RIGHT . . . NOW!
I liked this paragraph but it can use some writing tricks such as figurative language. I think using this would make you paragraph more interesting.
ReplyDeleteAs connor said this paragraph can use some more figurative languag, but overall this was really good because i want to know what happens to the main character.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very good lead. It caught my attention right away. It was very good onomatopoeia. It was a very good story too. Also i think you can build on this and make a full story. Good job
ReplyDeleteI really liked this short passage. I think if you added more and kept going, it would be very successful. I also really liked how you started with otomatopoeia for your lead to get the reader hooked! Great job zo:)
ReplyDeleteI also agree I liked how you used an onomatopoeia to start off your story and then continued it with great support and detials. I also really love the title. I thinkl that the story supported the title very well.
ReplyDeleteGreat job :)
This throws you in and takes you right out, i think you need to slow down.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Maya how you should slow down the moment a little bit. This could be the start of a great action piece and you should continue. Will the main character find out about the tornado or will be too late?
ReplyDeleteit will be too late, to answer you Kim. and thank you all for your comments!! I will definitely start working on this in the near future!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Maya, definitely slow down a bit. Other than that I thought this was really good!
ReplyDeletethanks! :)
ReplyDelete