The cool, dark pavement felt bumpy and rough underneath Becca. The heavy, moist air made it difficult to to breathe. In fact, it tasted of smoke. Only the faint hoot-hoot, hoot-hoot of an owl in the distance could be heard over the roaring of the flames nearby. They flew through every obstacle in their presence. The flames ate every chair, wall, and tree, and were still hungry for more.
"Help, help," Becca moaned. The wetness sped down her face quickly until it hit the ground. She coughed loudly, and it sounded like a barking seal.
I like how this writing makes you wonder what happened. The reader knows there is a fire going on, but not how it started. It doesnt have to be, but this would make a great lead to a larger story! All of the great figurative language paints a picture that makes the writing even better. Really good!
ReplyDeleteI like how all the figurative language makes u picture what is happening to Becca. Like Maren said the reader knows that there is a fire going on but they don't know who or what made it start. This was really good!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this! it made me question the setting and even the premise but it was effective in the way that it made you want to know more.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the description in this because you didn't give to much or too little. I noticed that in the first sentence you used an absolute phrase to describe where the ground was.
ReplyDeleteThis story is really effective for many reasons! It leaves you wanting to know more, which is a good thing, and also uses a pretty good about of figurative language for the length of this story. Something to work on would maybe be the clincher, to make it more interesting.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone! I might continue writing this eventually (probably not, but still).
ReplyDeleteI agree with julia. The best thing about the story is definately that it leaves you hanging and wanting to read on. The word choice was also really good, and a lot of sensory images were used like when you described the smell of the smoke. I would want to read the rest of this story,
ReplyDeleteI also like a story that leave you hanging and wating to read on.
ReplyDeletethis is really good! great use of imagery. i agree with the comments above. it made me want to read on. you should continue writing it.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very good with senory images using sound and smell. It helped me picture the scene more clearly. It was also good becasue it left you wondering what is going to happen next.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great piece of writing. I like how you kept it short and simple but with a lot of sensory detials. I also liked how you left us hanging on at the end, I don't know if it happened with anyone else but I was really upset that I didn't know what was going to happen next, but that is obviously a good writing trick.
ReplyDeleteGreat Job!
I thought that this was a great piece of writing. I really liked how you put figurative language into your writing where it was just enough description but not too much. I loved the imagery and thought that it was a great story.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really good writing piece! You used lots of figurative language which made the writing much more interesting and easier to picture. Plus it was "short and sweet" which was great!
ReplyDeleteGood job Jenny. Yeah the figurative language makes this story more EFFECTIVE. It kept me in the story and made it interesting to read. I thought that this was a terrific story and was well written. I have one question though. What could be the theme of this story?
ReplyDeleteWell there isn't really a theme. It's like not even two paragraphs and I could probably come up with a theme if I continue writing, but I'm probably not going to come up with a theme. I wrote this piece to entertain.
ReplyDeleteThis is really good. It was descriptive and therre was very good word choice. It was interesting and hooked me. Good job.
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