Monday, January 24, 2011
Sand Bound
The day it happened felt like it was the end of my life. It was a frightening as if the earth was ending. The clouds above the ocean were coal black, the ship was creaking like an old rocking chair, and I realized that we were in the middle of no ware. All around was the pitch-black night, almost as if a blanket was draped over us while a fascinating fog was arising above the ocean. It was a mystifying night. But something was wrong. It was as if we felt the presence of something, something unreal. At a blink of an eye multiple red dots appeared. We heard a ship approaching us, but there was nothing we can see. BOOM! Before our eyes came fire ball diving towered our ship. Thank fully it just fell short buy a foot. I glance over the ship and saw with my very own eyes and saw the water on fire in shape of the words “THE BLACK BANSHEE” No, it couldn’t be, but there’s no such thing?
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this story is good and has a lot of good figurative language. Make sure you proof read before you post because you had some errors like when it said "in the middle of no ware" it should be in the middle of no where. the errors made the story confusing and hard to understand.
ReplyDeleteLike Jenna said the errors in this story made it kind of confusing to read, so make sure you proof read before you post your stories. But overall, this story was really good because all of the figurative language painted a picture in my mind, so it was very easy to visualize what was going on. Good Job!
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ReplyDeleteYeah i agree with what jenna and kelly said about the errors, but also make sure that what your saying is a little more clear. i'm getting confused on what a black banshee is. does it have to do with ships or is it like a monster? that's the only thing i would fix in this though cause other than that you had great metaphors like " The clouds above the ocean were coal black". Your vizualization throughout the passage helped me picture what you were saying. nice job!
ReplyDeleteI think the story was good but needs work because some points were jumpy. The beginning was very strong with great descriptions. However, when it came to the fire ball, it kind of came out of no where and ending quickly. Also I think you need to explain the Blakc Banshee because I'm really unsure what or who it is. This makes the story jumpy but work on these and it will be great.
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