Monday, January 3, 2011
The Sweet Shop
I walked into the small narrow door and walked around as I inhaled the aroma of different types and brands of candy. The shelfs were filled with mountains of chocolate and licorice, while others were filled with bubble gum, lollipops, jolly ranchers, and other hard candy. I tried to contain myself from eating all of it, but it was harder than anyone could ever imagine. I looked around to see if anyone was watching, and I ran to the chocolate and licorice shelf as I grabbed a handful of lollipops and jolly ranchers. The wrappers of the chocolate and the wrappers of the licorice made the shelf look like a rainbow. I reached for a thin, yellow plastic bag for the candy and grabbed every piece of chocolate in sight. "Boom boom boom." All the chocolate in the shelf was starting to fall because I was being a bull in a china cabinet. I quickly stepped back, took a deep breath, and walked toward the cash register. I quickly gave the cashier the money and ran out of there. People were starting to wonder who made such a mess. I wanted to see what would happen without getting involved, so I looked through the thin, glass window with "The Sweet Shop" written on it. I peered in to find all the candy on the floor. No one fessed up to raiding the shelf, so everyone pitched in and cleaned it. I tried to act natural and walked to my favorite spot in the woods. When I finally got there, I sat on my favorite grey rock, opened my bag, and reached for a piece of chocolate. I tore open the thin wrapper and took a bite. My taste buds watered with delight. This was paradise. I thought about what I had done and the trouble I had caused, but it was definitely worth it.
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I thought this story was okay, but could have been better because the word choice was not anything unusual and it was repetitive. In the first line the story says, "I walked into the small narrow door and walked around as I inhaled the aroma of different types and brands of candy." You could have replaced walked by something a lot more unusual such as: march, meander, saunter, or even trudged. By doing this, your story would have been more interesting and descriptive.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Kami when saying that you could of had better word choice. I also thing that near the beginning you were very repetative with the chocolate and licorice. It just kind of got annoying, having to keep repeating it. Other than that, I think that it was a pretty good passage.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kami and Ted, that you need better word choice. I would have liked if you described the mess and all the candy more with figurative language and strong words. There was one metaphor I noticed and it was worded akwardly. "All the chocolate in the shelf was starting to fall because I was being a bull in a china cabinet." I think it would be better if you had said:" I was a bull in a china cabinet. Suddenly, all the chocolate in the shelf started to fall." I think this story could be descriptive and well written if you just improve on the wording because I like the topic!
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with Kami with the whole walked thing but overall i thought it was pretty good! like bella said, you should have written,
ReplyDelete"I was a bull in a china cabinet." because as i was reading, that sentence just did not flow at all. I kept having to go back and re-read it becuase it was awkward in the way you wrote it....other than those flaws, I thought this was a decant story Julia! Good job.
Along with everone else, I think a better choice of words could have been used to add description to the story. Also, a couple of things could have been re-worded to make it flow a little better. All in all, I liked the story, nice job.
ReplyDeleteI think this story could have been better, and you could have used different words to make it flow, but I liked this story overall.
ReplyDeleteThis story was pretty good. You could have made it flow better and had it come all together. You could have used better word choice to make it more interesting, but overall good job.
ReplyDelete