I'm back. It’s been four years since I’ve been back to this town. It’s so different now. The last time I was here it was a bustling and happy city. Now as I stand in the bloody cold wind, I think to myself how a town so bright turned so bleak. I look down at my Gucci Watch and right now it’s about 7:15 p.m. He was supposed to meet me here half an hour ago. We were supposed to make the deal. When I left for classified reasons he took over this town. Tonight was the night he was supposed to give it back to me. I started to walk away from the empty parking lot thinking that he had bailed on me. Then for the first time since I came back, I saw the headlights of a car. I could tell whose headlights those were from a thousand miles away. It was him. The car passed me and rounded the corner. Then out of nowhere I heard a gunshot and in less than a millisecond I was down. Not only had he taken away my most prized possession, he also took away the most important thing not only to me but any person...my life.
I felt like I was reading Witch and Wizard by James Patterson. Anyone that has read it should know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI think the general idea and the premise of the story was good, but the description could have been improved upon. In the story it says, "Then for the first time since I came back, I saw the headlights of a car. I could tell whose headlights those were from a thousand miles away. It was him. The car passed me and rounded the corner. Then out of nowhere I heard a gunshot and in less than a millisecond I was down." Now this is the climax and the events leading up to it, so it is crucial that the author is specific, however I felt that the scene could have been elaborated and described a lot more. On the other hand, the overall idea of these few sentences sounded very mysterious and suspenseful, which I really liked. Therefore, the scene itself was great; it's just that the lack of description in the main event took away from the premise.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kami. I liked the idea of the story but I feel like you could have expanded the event that took place more. When you started talking about how you were walking away but then the car's headlights were in view, it was not very descriptive. Maybe if some fig. language was used to describe the car it would be better. Therefore, there is always room for a good simile or metaphor to make the piece more interesting.
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