Saturday, January 29, 2011
The Tragedy
Sometimes i wish i could rewind everything that happend that night and start over. After it happend it felt like i died from all of the sadness.I just want her to know ill never forget her and i miss her everyone dose. I think to myself sometimes that it was my falt and i could of stoped it from happening but it wasent my fult it wasent anyones.
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ReplyDeleteSpell-check? This has a lot of simple spelling errors, is missing a lot of apostrophes, and I think you left out a couple commas. Also the word "I" should be in capitols. Because of all these errors, this seems rushed, like you had to write something really quick and easy to post on here. Also the content is kind of weak. I mean, you didn't make it clear at all who the protagonist is, or what the person who died's relationship to her is. You should definitely make this longer and fix the spelling errors.
ReplyDeleteI like where you are going with this piece and I think it has some potential. You have a good plot going however you should include the character's names to make it more understandable. I think you should expand on it and make it a full length piece. It would be more interesting. I agree, their were many grammatical errors which was distracting and took away from the story. For example, you forgot some punctuation marks and spelled some words wrong such as wasn't. If these few things were improved on, the story would be more enjoyable to read.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very good story, and if it was extended and revised a little bit, it would be even better. The piece captured some of the thoughts and feelings that go through someone's mind when something tragic happens, which was a positive. It was also very interesting which made me want to read more if there was more, which there is potential to continue it. The only critisism I would give is that some words were mis-spelled, but other than that, I was great. To sum up, since the story was interesting, had potential, but could use a small revision, the story was very good, could be extended, and just has a few mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI liked this poem but I thought that it was kind of confusing because of the errors. For example, the part where it says, "...I just want her to know ill never...” I first thought it said ill, as being sick, not I'll, (like it is supposed to be), so I had to reread it twice. Therefore this piece could definitely be better, and less confusing if the few mistakes were to be changed and fixed.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was really good but I also think that if you spell check and add character names it would flow better. I thought you could add what the tradgedy was and how it happened, that could also make the piece flow better. For example, "I think to myself sometimes that it was my falt and i could of stopped it from happening but it wasent my fult it wasnent anyones." There was a lot of spelling errors and it was hard to picture it because I did not know what the tradgedy was. Therefore, if you revise it the story will flow better.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was really good too, but make sure you reread the story before you post it because you had a lot of spelling errors. I would have liked it a little better if you would tell us what happened to her. This is because you said, "After it happend it felt like i died from all of the sadness." If you had told us what "it" was it would have made the story a little bit better. Therefore, if you tell us what the tragedy was, it would be better, good Job!
ReplyDeleteI think that this was a very good story. I think that you should have read it over because there were lots of spelling errors. For example, when you said fult its spelled fault. Therefore, if you read over the story then you would have probably saw that error and fixed it.
ReplyDeleteI think this has good potential but you need to check your spelling because there are many spelling errors. If you correct these I think this story would be more effective and people would take it more seriously. I liked how you kept it short and sweet though because it keeps people wondering about what happened. Therefore I think this has potential but you need to proof read.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was okay, however it definitely can be improved because it had A LOT of spelling errors, and it would have been a lot more descriptive, if you were to describe some of the scenes/ emotions instead of stating them. In the piece it says, "After it happend it felt like i died from all of the sadness.I just want her to know ill never forget her and i miss her everyone dose. I think to myself sometimes that it was my falt and i could of stoped it from happening but it wasent my fult it wasent anyones.” The feelings this character had was just stated and you gave little to no description about it. Also fault is misspelled along with a few other words . Therefore, this piece can be improved by expanding the moment more with the use of description (sensory detail, figurative language) and by checking the spelling and punctuation.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone about the spelling errors. If you fix them it will be easier to understand. I had to re read it a few times to understand what you were really saying. But there is a good message in here. Just fix the errors.
ReplyDelete