The snow starts to fall, the wind against your face and the happiness of the season. I can't believe it when winter comes it gets so cold out and you have to dress warm. You always will do one favorite thing during the winter. But school always has to ruin the fun, that you have in the winter time.
In the winter you always have to dress warm where ever you go, so you don't get frost bite. I will always wear warm things outside and when I am playing in the snow. It is so much fun in the winter, so I always stay warm in the winter so i will not get sick. I will wear neckwarmer, hat, gloves, snow pants and a warm jacket that fits me, and will be warm to wear outside. That's why you always want to stay warm in the winter.
Skiing is one of the best things to do in the winter. I always go and i love seeing all the snow on the trails and the snow on the trees. The snow is always a joy to be in anyway that i possible can be. I like skiing because it gets you out to feel the nice air, and so you are not stuck inside the house all day. Also I like it because i know alot of people up thier and have alot of friends. That is my favorite thing to do in the winter is to ski at Butternut.
The only thing that can possible ruin the winter is the school. Its like it takes all the fun away because you have to homework instead of hanging out in the snow and having fun during the days. But, its different and it makes the winter less fun. So the winter vacation is the only thing that makes me happy in the winter because school ruins it.
The snow starts to fall, the happiness of the season. Instead of the warm weather I would go with the winter season. Do you think all of this to, that the winter is cold? That there is only one good thing in the winter, thst is good?
I think this piece was ok. There was a lot of repetition of your ideas and you listed some things so it lost my attention in spots. I think if you elaborate more on feelings, make it more fluent using transitions, and add in some writing tricks it would improve this a lot.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kim, I also think that it was confusing in spots and Kim had some good ways to help your story. Also, there were some places were you used repetition a little to much but if you just did it a couple of times it would be better. You had good ideas on what to write about but there needed to be more elaboration.
ReplyDeleteLike Kim and Rachel said the repetition was a little much. There is nothing wrong with using repetition as long as you dont over use it or use it incorrectly. Other than this I think that this was a great piece.
ReplyDeleteGood Job!
This story was on the right track. I think you can add more figurative language to make it more interesting for the reader. I think it started out really well in the first paragraph. You had a good lead. But I think it got boring as it went on. Adding a writing trick or 2 can also make it more interesting.
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