He was supposedly dead. Dead as a doornail, some would say. Or so they thought. It turns out he was nearly napping. Not on command or purposely, but nevertheless he was not dead. However, he was unaware of this. Ralph Donaldson was in a coma, but everyone thought he was dead. Unfortunately, he had arranged for cremation after death, and this may be the one time he regrets having loyal family and friends, as for they intended to bring out his will.
He was lying peacefully in a satin interior mahogany coffin. It had intricately carved angels with pedals, truly quite remarkably designed. It was intended to bring him peace in the afterlife, however, it would bring him pain in the current life. It would be the spot of his death. He would be burned alive in his own coffin.
He awoke, and once he got his mind about him, he was shocked. He could barely hear what the people around him were saying but. All he heard was muffled voices. However, he did make out his wife’s sweet soft voice muttering something involving him being a great supporter. Then he heard her cry, much to his dismay. The cry, unlike her voice, was loud, violent, and unpleasant.
“I am not dead! I am here, in the coffin! Unlatch the door and open it up! I am alive!” As he yelled, as loud as he could, it began to become hot. A single drop of sweat trickled down his temple. It became hotter and hotter, like an inferno. Flames came through the wood and inside the coffin. It burned the pearl colored, satin lining. He pushed upward, trying to escape, but it was no use. There was no way he was getting out of this. His clothes were now on fire, which then spread to his flesh. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and as quick as a flash, it was over.
this could be an ending to a really creepy horror movie. the claustrophobia-ness really creates a scary mood, my only criticism is that you could have used differnt words to help witth the scary moods, but in all, i really liked this!
ReplyDeleteI also thought that this was a great piece. Like Kace said it was very creepy but still good. And just wondering, do they actually put the body in a coffin and cremate it???
ReplyDeleteThis was a great piece. It sounded professional and I liked some of the word choice. The description was great and it was suspensful at the end, even though I sort of knew no one was going to save him. However, I liked this!
ReplyDeleteI think this piece had many positives about it, but also a few negatives. The overall idea was very creative and interesting, and you did a great job describing the scenes. However, I feel like at times there was a little too much elaboration. Also most of the sentences were very short, and I think there should be a greater variation between the length of your sentences
ReplyDeleteWow that was an entertaining story. That would be a terrible way to die. I was interested the whole time because your topic was scary.Good topic and a good storyline. This is interesting to read, and the last description of the heat made me feel like I was there.
ReplyDeleteThat was actually a really good story! It was very descriptive and I liked the simile when you said it became hotter and hotter, like an inferno. Sure it wasn't the most upbringing story, but it was very interesting and entertaining to read.
ReplyDeleteThis was really good! It was interesting to read and it was really descriptive.
ReplyDeleteAndy this is a realy well written peace.It was very interesting how you came about this subject of this peace of writting but it was very entertaining to read.But i thing you need to work on your description alittle bit.
ReplyDeleteThis was very interesting to read and fairly well written. However, the plot is very unrealistic. First off, you can do very simple tests to determine if someone is still breathing. If he was not, then the only way he could still be alive is if he was hooked up to machinery. The second he was detached from the machinery he will die. Therefore, the situation is fairly unrealistic. Also, you stated that he was in a coma, and then just suddenly woke up. This, too, is fairly unrealistic for several reasons. There are also tests to see how responsive the brain is. (Like opening the eyelids and blowing on the eye.) If his brain had shown enough signs of response for him to randomly wake up then they probably would not have cremated him. Furthermore, his organs should have been functioning on some level, and although I do not know any specific tests for this, that doesn't mean there are none. And lastly, the odds of someone waking up from a coma are very slim, bordering on "miracle". Other than that. Great job. Sorry I wrote so much. (I like forensics.)
ReplyDeletelike a lot of people said I think this was a very good piece of writing. I thought that you used good word choice and really did a great job describing the scene and the things around it. I was very interested!
ReplyDeleteGreat Job!
It was a very intresting theme and good choice words everywhere except for the beginning. I feel like you repeated 'people thought he was died' and 'he wasnt died' many times and you could have worded it difrently or only said it one time.
ReplyDeleteThis was very good because it was interesting and descriptive. This had me hooked. I really liked it, good job.
ReplyDelete