Monday, January 31, 2011
Victory
I stepped onto the matt for the first time, nervously. I stepped to the starting line, and stared at my opponent. We were equal in size, it was sure to be a close match. I shook his hand and the Ref blew his whistle. We circled the matt, staring at each other, waiting for the first move to be made. He drives toward me, viciously. Without any thought, I drive back, seeing you who was the most momentum. I drive him to the ground like a linebacker drilling a running back for a huge loss. I had to think fast about how i was going to get him pinned. I started to push him as hard until I had him in an unbreakable pin move, the Ref blew his whistle. I faced my opponent for the last time. We shook hands, and then the Ref held up my hand, Victory.
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I think this has potential to be a good piece. It is an okay piece because it does not vary sentence size. My writing goal was varying sentence size and I see how important it was. An example is, "We were equal in size, it was sure to be a close match. I shook his hand and the Ref blew his whistle." As you can see, those two sentences are about equal in size and there are other times like that as well. Therefore, your piece could be made more fluent by varying sentence size.
ReplyDeletePS, make the piece longer by adding more description in the beginning
This piece needs to be improved becasue there are many grammar errors and it makes this piece hard to read." drive back, seeing you who was the most momentum." This doesn't make any sense too me and it makes it hard to picture the rest of the match ecasue I don't know what you are saying here. Therefore, I don't really understand this piece because it is really short and choppy. This can be fixed though, just add more length and fix the grammar.
ReplyDeleteI think this was okay because you could add a lot more emotion and description. You only have one example of feeling when you say, "I stepped onto the mat for the first time, nervously." you should include more reaction to winning. You could also add in description about where the match took place because you didn't include anything about that. Therefore adding more description and emotion would help add interest into this piece. PS putting this in present tense as opposed to past would add some suspense. Also I don't think you have to add much length because a short well written paragraph is better than a long poorly written piece.
ReplyDeletethis is a good piece of writing. My favorite parts were how you drove your aponnent like a linebacker, and i also liked how you incorperated the title to the ending of your story.
ReplyDeleteI think this piece needs improvement because there are not any writing tricks in there and it was not very suspenseful.If you add some writing tricks and some suspense in here it can be a good piece of writing. Therefore, you should work on the piece to make it better.
ReplyDeleteI think this piece needs improvement because there was a lot of word repetition throughout the story. The story says, "He drives toward me, viciously. Without any thought, I drive back, seeing you who was the most momentum. I drive him to the ground like a linebacker drilling a running back for a huge loss." You used a form of drive three times! Therefore the word repetition for me, took away from the story, and it made it a little boring to me.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good piece but, it needs improvement becuase parts of your writing didnt make any sense. You used a lot of word repititon and you had some gramatical errors. For example when you talked about stepping on the mat* for the first time, you said it twice. Therefore all your gramatical errors and repititon, makes your piece need improvment.
ReplyDeletethis is a pretty good writign piece because you used vivid words. You used the word viciously when you said the opponent came at you. this gives the reader a good picture as to how the other person was when he attacked you. Therefore this is why this is a pretty good writing piece.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good piece because you used a simile and good describing words. You used the simile, "I drive him to the ground like a linebacker drilling the running back for a loss". This describes the situation well and catches the readers attention. Therefore since you used a good simile to help describe the situation, i think this is a good writing piece.
ReplyDeleteThis peice could be improved on because it did ot flow well. It was either choppy in some areas, and in others it just did not make sense, suchas when you said "Without any thought, I drive back, seeing you who was the most momentum." Therefore, if the peice was easier to read it would have been a more impressive short peice, however, you did not, so it is not.
ReplyDeleteThsi piece of writing could have been better because it has many gramatical and spelling errors and does not flow well. It was short and could have been longer which would have made it better. It was as short as an expanded moment but without any of the detail. If it had more detail and flowed better then it would have been a good short story
ReplyDelete