Thursday, April 14, 2011
Behind the Wall
It all started on a calm Saturday morning, when Bob was sitting down reading the newspaper. The day seemed like it was going to be like any other Saturday and Bob only wanted to do one thing. Relax. And Bob's day was going nicely until he started to hear small screeching noises coming from the wall. As Bob walked over to investigate, it stopped. "Just my imagination" he said to himself. After that he went off to continue his day. At 3:24pm, the noise started to happen again, only this time more annoying. The sound sounded like pots and pans falling, but repeatedly. Bob walked over to the wall again, and once again, the noises stopped. The time was 5:30 when the noise started again. This time, Bob was as enraged as a stampeding elephant. He rushed over to the monkey house of a wall and tripped. He went right through the wall. The wall didn't break, it turned liquidy and swallowed him! Bob looked up to see that him wall had been a portal and had teleported him into a world full of monkeys fighteing eachother with pots, pans, and for some reason were screeching as they fought. Bob slowly backed up to the wall, teleported back to his house, and went to therapy.
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Well to be honest this piece was just average in my opinion. I think that because there was not a lot of figurative language and a well-developed theme. Although, you had a good similie, "Bob was as enraged as a stampeding elephant" but more use of figurative language would improve this piece drastically! This is potentially a good piece though; it just needs a little more work.
ReplyDeleteYea I agree with Kristen because there isn't a lot of figurative language in it. I really think that a few similes added to the end could help, because I can't picture the monkeys fighting as well as I should. you could do an exploded moment or something to create suspense because it is the climax of the story. You were telling
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kristen, this piece was ok. I think it would be better if you added more description and transitions. For example, "He rushed over to the monkey house of a wall and tripped. He went right through the wall. The wall didn't break, it turned liquidy and swallowed him!" You need to describe the wall more and how Bob was feeling. Also,you need to add transitions instead of starting the sentences with "He" or "Bob".
ReplyDeletei think you had good figurative language like your simile "Bob was as enraged as a stampeding elephant". also you had alot of foreshadowing which made it a little mysterious but i agree with kristen that you can easily improve it if you wanted to
ReplyDeletei thought that this story was okay you had good detail but i agree with everyone else you could have added more to this piece of writing to improve it, but still i found it to be a decent writing piece.
ReplyDeletethis was a pretty good writing piece that has the potential to be a lot better. You had some similes such as, "Bob was as enraged as a stampeding elephant." This was a pretty good simile but if you had added more figurative language, it could be a lot better writing piece. Overall it was okay though.
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ReplyDeleteThis piece was okay, but in my opinion, it had little to no figurative language, and compared to everything that was going on, it could have been a lot more descriptive. This story describes this guy whose wall teleports him into this completely different world with monkeys, and you managed to tell the entrie story in just one paragraph! You pretty much just said this happened, and then this, and then this, the end. You had a few similes, but not enough to add detail to the story, and besides that, there was not really any figurative language present. Therefore, because this piece was not well described and there was minimal figurative language, it was just ok.
ReplyDeleteThis story was okay I guess because, like Kami had said, it had no figurative language, and could have been more descriptive. For example, when he came back through the wall there could have been more description of what was going through his head and what he did before he called therapy. Therefore, this story was okay because of the lack of description and figurative language.
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