Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Spring
It was a beautiful spring day.The sun was a shining down on the world warming anyone who walked in its path. The birds high up in the trees were singing a lovely melody that made me want to dance. The creatures in the grass were hopping, chirping, and croaking. The kids next door were laughing and running having what seemed like the best day of their life. The flowers were in full bloom while the trees swayed in the light breeze running through the air. Everything was perfect and beautiful on this spring day.
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This wasn't a bad little piece but it wasn't like really good either. Just average. The reason I say that is because it was lacking figurative language. When you said, "The sun was shining down on the world..." you easily could have said something like, "The sun was shining down on the world like a lightbulb shines down in a musty room." A small change like that can do so much more for this piece! Adding a metaphor can change the conotation of a short story and do a lot more to improve a piece. Also, it makes it a lot easier to develope a theme. Try adding some more figurative language and you'll be good to go!:)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kristen. This was good but not great because I feel it was weak. For example, there was no good word choice that really made this piece exceptional. Also, you have some great ideas to work with but like Kristen, again, said, there was no figurative language to make it pop or really stand out. Therefore, I feel that it could be better if you mad some slight adjustments!
ReplyDeleteI think this had good figurative language but i think the idea behind it was to average and there was no reason behind writing it other then an assignment. Writing should be something you do to get a point across and to make an effect on something and 'your average spring day' seems a little too ordinary. That does not take away from the fact that you had a very good descriptions in here and showed many good writing tricks. Therefore i think you could have used a little more inspiration but focusing on the writing it was very good!
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